Logout

Recently I've been pretty down ... so I've decided to do something about that ... now I've tried a lot of stuff ... even prayer. Perhaps this is a test, but anyway I've decided to "logout" of just about everything... facebook, texting, calls, skype, but to be truthful I'll still get on skype and text ... just not as much... and I'll still read and post on this blog mind you. Although the only time I think I will text is if anyone calls or trys to get in contact with me... not sure how this will help how I've felt ... meh

Change

so...this is my first post guys!!! yeah!! 

     So much has changed in my life since last year. In some ways, I like change. I look back and think "wow! that was me???!!!" I feel like I've developed great friendships this year. I feel like I know every person in the youth group WAY better than before. There's been struggles in the change though. Quite a few big things happened between my parents and I.  I'm learning the boundaries and freedoms of getting older. I'm learning to "pick my battles" (as my dad says).  For example, is it really worth a big argument just to go see some movie that they dont want me to see?  Keeping my parents informed about my life is a plus. When they know about my life and the stuff I do, they tend to give me more freedoms than when I try to hide stuff. haha dont get me wrong...we still have our arguments (frequently), I'm just discovering things I never really thought about before. It sometimes helps to step back and look at things from their perspective.  

     but in some ways, change is scary. Some days I wish I could go back to being 5 years old with no cares in the world. and then college, choosing a career, moving out, having to pay for stuff, manage finances, being even more responsible for everything...AH! talk about frightening! a BIG thing for me is choosing a major. I feel like, in that choice, I'm deciding what I will do for the rest of my life. I know what I love to do, but that will not bring the income that I need/want. I have some vague ideas of some other things I could do, but I'm afraid that I wont be able to handle it or I wont like it. ... 

but you know, i put it all in the hands of my Creator. I know He has amazing plans for me and I'm excited about what He's got for me.

"For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper not to harm you, plans to give you a future and a hope."

....so yeah. my thoughts on change.

Clouds.

So I was coming back home today. My mom was driving us back after I managed to get my license back. I had lost it last friday. I had been stressing about it alot because it had my money and stuff in it. Meaning my christmas shopping would be seriously hindered. And I woud have to renew my license. But I got it. There are sometimes that I love Germanna. So I am laying in the car, watching the sky as we head home. And there were clouds. And it wasn't like just a few. There was like a blanket of clouds, moving sloyl across the sky. It just...relaxed me. So I think God must have sent them. Because they chilled me out alot. And I needed that.

It Feels So...

It feels so different to me
So basic
So different
So old
So slow
So narrow
So quiet...
But, the same time ...
It feels so normal to me
So complex
So normal
So young
So fast
So wide
So loud...
And then ... There are things that make it bad..
So hurtful ...
So horrible...
So dead...
So wounded...
So crushed...
So deaf...
... Life simple ... Death simple ...

Emotional Bottling Up = Heart Pain

Ok I have come to a conclusion ... my recent heart trouble has nothing to do with unhealthy heart problems ... but my emotions being bottled up and causing damage on the inside... seems keeping all my pain inside can cause damage ...

Life Anew

But what is this!
There is something amiss!
From the lungs of this beast,
A single breath is released.

And once more,
Our spirits soar.
For the beast we pronounced dead,
Is alive once more.

My Dear Beast

As Coroner, I must aver,
I've thoroughly examined her.
And she's not only merely dead,
She's really most sincerely dead.

Heartless

Well ... Im not even sure if I should share this until I know for sure what is going on ... I guess I should start with a story ...
My grandfather died from a heart attack at a somewhat young age ... Around 50 I do believe ... Now what that has to do with is me ... Within the past few weeks/months ... I have had heart pains ... Now you may think "oh well everyone gets heart throbs here and there" ... But I had heart pains almost everyday ... So as anyone would I went to the doctors office and had a physical ... During the physical the doctor told me "if your heart hurts for more than 5 minutes you need to let me know" so for the next week I made sure I kept track of how long the pain lasted ... After about 3 days it just stopped hurting ... And then one sunday during youth it hurt .. Not bad but it was constant ... So I made another appointment ... During the appointment I felt ... Worried ... I had tests run and nothing really showed up from it although he noticed something odd about the rhythm of my heartbeat ... He also told me that coffee could cause that but not for over 5 min. Then they took blood and I was done ... No answered questioned ... Though I am suppose to go to some sort of heart health center ... For more tests...

Now I don't want you people to worry or be fearful ... I don't want you to be ... I want you to pray and be faithful ... All the days I have are numbered by God not by man ... If im to go today or in 90 years it makes no difference to me...

Nightmares

Nightmare: night·mare [nahyt-mair]
–noun
1.a terrifying dream in which the dreamer experiences feelings of helplessness, extreme anxiety, sorrow, etc.
2.a condition, thought, or experience suggestive of a nightmare: the nightmare of his years in prison.
3.(formerly) a monster or evil spirit believed to oppress persons during sleep.

Recently I've been having nightmares ... oddly enough they don't scare me ... but they do bother me... mainly all of these dreams are about people dying or something equally as horrible ... although these dreams are teaching me lessons ... some like don't eat pizza 10 minutes before you sleep ... although death has been on my mind ...
Death doth not scare thee ...

Syphon of Insanity

Hello, my fellow beasts,

I wanted to alert you to a new blog I have started with a friend of mine. It is called the Syphon of Insanity. There isn't really a point for it... But since when have I ever needed a point? =)

Head on over and check it out at syphonofinsanity.blogspot.com and support us by taking the poll! Thanks!

~Colton

Loyalty and a Few Laughs

The other day I was talking to an old friend I had fallen out of touch with. She's the kind of person that will have her head in the clouds one minute, only to come crashing down in a tailspin of emotion over the smallest thing. She was extremely emotionally unstable, and her life had no foundation at all. She was not a good person to grow close to and confide in. So I silently cut the cord to our friendship.

But it wasn't all bad. We had some really good times together. When she was in a good mood, she was a fun person to be around and a good friend to talk to.

It's funny how willing we are sometimes to overlook all the bad in a friendship for just a few moments of laughter with that person. I came out of that friendship pretty badly burned, but talking to her for even a few minutes the other day still put me in a good mood. I automatically looked past all the bad and chose to remember the few good times.

I won't be trying to breathe life into the friendship again; she's still crazy and still unstable. But while talking to her, I saw something in the way humans are built that I've never paid much attention to before: the amount of loyalty we feel and the amount of tolerance we allow ourselves to feel for a friend we've shared a few laughs with.

Classes + Possible Job + Acting = Sucks

Well now that I have my license I'm gonna need a job ... but I also have classes I need to take ... Plus I'm gonna be joining an acting group called CYT .
Now all this stuff seems like it will be fun ... but I feel somewhat overwhelmed .. I might have to drop some of the stuff I like to do like art or filming or even Halo 3 ... (please let it not be halo 3)...
But to be honest these activities will be fun ... and give me skills for life ... too bad it could be all for not

Up and down... At the same time?

I'm tired, but I'm wide awake.

I'm frustrated, but I'm completely content.

I'm annoyed, but I'm entirely in a good mood.

I'm angry, but I'm actually quite happy.

It's funny how we can feel two very different emotions at the same time. Humans are strange, huh?

People Need to Post

Well ... It seems to me that people other than me and Twiggyluvsyou need to post stories and ideas! Hopes and dreams, random sentences about tacos! And I don't care if you think its pointless DO IT because it isn't pointless... it's very enjoyable to read about my friends' life. So yeah ... I'm addicted to blogging ...or at least "My Dear Beast" in closing ... PEOPLE NEED TO POST!

~HAPPYHAPPY JOY JOY~

Tomorrow morning before you get out of bed, think of one thing you are thankful for

Givingthanks

Well I thought it would be appropriate for me to make a list of things that I thank God for...
-----
My Good Friends
My Family
God (duh)
My Health (I could be dead without God's grace)
My Skills (Art, movie making, acting, and many many more)
My Possessions (I could do without them but I'm thankful for them)
Music (I absolutely love music)
Coffee
Carpet (seriously the floor would be frickin hard)

I can't think of much more but I know I have been blessed to the millionth degree ... no higher than that

Really, MDB? Really?

This blog has digressed into Matt's personal chat with himself... Quite sad.

Manic Monday's

OK ... so on Monday I woke up at the Wilson's house and got ready for my day ...
Mainly playing Halo 3 online ... After about 4 hours of sitting around doing stuff I left with my friend Michael to get lunch at the outback.
Sadly they don't open till 4pm ... so we just left ...
I then was dropped off at the church and decided to walk all the way to Starbucks and back.
On my way back I saw a guy holding a cardboard sign I looked at him but all I saw was a man... I didn't even take the time to read the sign ... After about 20 seconds after walking away I wanted to walk back and read the sign and see if the guy needed help ... but I was carrying 2 cups of coffee and a doughnut (I know those reasons suck)...
After both of my classes I started to wait for drama to start ... sadly I didn't have a laptop or really anything to entertain my self so I got up and walked around after the first hour...
Then drama started ... and because of a recent "occurrence" I felt really sad ... so I put on my headphones and waited for it to be over ... then my brother came and drove me home...

Violet Hill - Coldplay

Violet Hill
Coldplay
Good Song

Was a long and dark December
From the rooftops I remember
There was snow, white snow
Clearly I remember
From the windows they were watching
While we froze down below
When the future's architectured
By a carnival of idiots on show
You'd better lie low
If you love me won't you let me know

Was a long and dark December
When the banks became cathedrals
And a fox became God
Priests clutched onto Bibles
Hollowed out to fit their rifles
And a cross was held aloft
Bury me in armour
When I'm dead and hit the ground
My nerves are poles that unfroze
And if you love me won't you let me know

I don't want to be a soldier
Who the captain of some sinking ship
Would stow, far below
So if you love me why'd you let me go?

I took my love down to Violet Hill
There we sat in snow
All that time she was silent still
Said if you love me, won't you let me know?
If you love me won't you let me know?

Song makes me want to cry...

The Reason Why I Said..

Some of you might recall me saying something recently about telling...kinda dirty jokes. Like I said then, I don't want to single anyone out. And so I won't. But I wanted to kind of elaborate what I was saying. I said that telling those jokes makes me sad. But why? Its because I see my friends as lights of Christ. Even if we aren't praying or at church, I feel like God is with us. He is with us when we laugh, when we talk about important things, even when we play nerf gun wars. So when someone tells a dirty joke, it kind of shatters that presence we have. Now I am not saying whoever says that kind of joke is a bad person. They aren't. They are my friend and I love them. I just wanted you all to know that I love you. And I say this only because of that. I do not say this to make you feel bad. I want to help you. And I hope if I ever tell that kind of joke, or fall in anyway, that you will lovingly correct me. Because the bible taks about God correcting his people out of love. And we all should do the same. I love you guys. Thanks for a great birthday and a great weekend.

Mickey Mouse and Patriotism.

There is nothing more american than Mickey Mouse and an American Flag. (these thoughts are common. I call them thought bamfs! Where they are unique to me and I want to share them but they are usually like one sentence or two.)

Thoughts on last night's party at the McTwiggykins residence

So Lisa's bday partay was pretty awesome.
Nerf guns, Halo matches, grape soda and cake....what's not to love?
So anyway, a thought hit me while I was sitting there with all you guys.
I think it's really cool how Christains hang out.
On the surface, we really weren't doing anything specific that would label our chilling as "Christain", but it's more like something that isn't said, but understood...if that makes sense. We were just doing what every other teenager in America does, getting together and playing video games. But at the same time there's like this undercurrent; we're a group of people who love each other, and love Christ. Once again, no one has to say it. It's just understood. So in a way, we were NOT just doing what everyone other kid in America does...it goes deeper than that. It's like our love in Christ unifys us, even when we're just sitting around playing Halo or Guitar Hero....it's a pretty cool thing.

My heart can’t take much more

OK so I randomly started writing this on a Skype chat room with Commie Thwarter Dan and Twiggyluvsyou... I just couldn't stop typing... Here is what came of that

------
My heart can’t take much more
As I step out the door
and I try to implore
what I was really meant for
so now I see
what is killing me
and If I can’t take

all these things that I fake
apart from me I see
all I left behind me
and now I try to understand
how I become that kind of man
where I will never stand
and now they all try to demand

something I just don’t have in my hand
it’s kinda like a king
who is always bringing some thing
to break me down
before I have time to look around
and it’s just so apart of me
that I can’t leave

Its all something that makes me want to grieve
and I can’t handle all this pain
I realize what have I to do is look in this vein
that’s all crazy I must admit
you realize that I can’t quit
I have to press on through this pain
but I realize I have him to help me through
all this stuff that makes me ...sad?
------

So yeah that's all that I wrote so far...

Thrilling Thursday #3

Today I decided to take English as a second language. I'd have an advantage since I currently speak English fluently. Then I realized I speak English too well. I don't qualify low enough. English is my first language. It can't be my second language. Life doesn't work like that. Two men started shouting because they wear the same shoe size. But it was not meant to be. They don't wear the same size. The sun shines a little less bright for them. There was a yellow caution sign on the floor. It never said what to be cautious about. I think it was there just to make people paranoid. I spun a dime on a table. It fell over. The door to the rear entrance said "Push." I kicked it instead. I saw a girl give her friend a big hug. It was beautiful. Then they both fell over a desk and crashed to the ground. Nothing good can ever last.

I got my license...now what?

So today I took the plunge and took my driver's license test. And I passed! And you would think now I would want to take like a meaningless trip to 7-11 or something. But the truth is, I'm scared. I've got this freedom but what if I mess it up? I know it sounds funny, but will I be able to make the decisions I need to without my mom sitting in the passenger's side? It really got me thinking. We as teens and young adults, we want all this freedom but sometimes we really don't know what to do with it. Do we need all this freedom? I love being my own person but I like to have guideance. That sounds crazy to some people but I would rather feel safe then be able to do anything I want.

OK something is wrong ..... seriously ...

OK something is seriously wrong. And to be truthful ... I have no idea what it is... I just feel like a failure or just ... something is off ... anyway I guess I'm just venting my problems ...

Keep me in prayer plz!

This Year, This Christmas

Christmas is coming fast. The only thing between us and it are a thin twenty-six days. Last year around this time, I couldn't see a point in Christmas. I didn't have any friends. I wondered from day to day "What if I died tomorrow? Would anyone miss me?" I had just broken off a friendship that left me badly burned. I couldn't see any point in friendship. I couldn't see the point in giving gifts to friends when all I saw was betrayal. I couldn't see the point in the obligatory gifts extended family exchanged. They never talk to me. What's worse, I couldn't see a point in celebrating Jesus Christ's birthday.

This year so much has changed. The same Christmas carols that used to discourage me now fill me with joy and humility. God has blessed me with some amazing friends, the best girlfriend I could ask for, and a new love for him. Life still isn't easy, but this year, this Christmas, I know I'm not alone.

So heat up the hot cocoa, dust off the sleds, and remember the reason we celebrate each December 25th. Merry Christmas, all. Here's to many more.

*sigh* The good kind...

I am listening to port blue. Everything feels like it will be ok.

I just want quiet.

I am currently in the germanna lounge. It is noisy. The gamers have commandeered both of the tvs. People are talking. I just imagine what it would be like to have it be silent. Not creepy like but a comfortable silence. I want it to snow. I want my friends to be here. I want it to be christmas. Christmas is a holiday full of comfortable silence. And when its noisy, you don't care.

Snow ... settle down kids

So today it started to snow, and it hit me... I lost my childlike attitude about snow... Snow as become just weather for me ... not a fun magical white wonderful object from the heavens. Perhaps if it snowed alot ... maybe then I shall find my childlike wonder .... probably not...

-----
If you kids out there don't chill out about the snow I swear Ill get my Flame thrower!

Night Falls to Dawn

OK so I randomly started to type this up a long while ago so .... yeah its kinda lame........


Night falls to dawn
all upon the light
that makes a capable to fight
for us to see the sun
in the area we run
from the great disasters
I fight all of the masters
that know the moves
to blow us to some thing new
to a place where we see
just who we are meant to be
as we run
to pass this scene
to apply a means
to attack the day
to make us turn away
from what we knew
to go up and through all these things
that seem so real
only to realize
we wont get our daily meal
and now we descend
to a place we have been
before to the darkness
and to the night
before we scream from fright
and now we sleep
and we don't dare make a peep
so the day will stay away
from what I plan today


... OK I'm done...

So I chose to wear a sweatshirt today.

Correction: A sweatshirt that says "Abortion is Mean" on the front. On the back it says "You will not silence my message... You will not mock my God... You will stop Killing my generation... Who will cry for the children? Who will hear their voices?"

Yeah I am a bit scared. I haven't really worn pro-life stuff to college for a long time. I just kind of brushed it off "I don't wanna wear that t-shirt today." or "I don't feel like getting looks and people confronting me." But today, I felt like I needed to wear this sweatshirt. I feel like I need to start wearing my beliefs on my sleeve. Now I am not trying to shove my beliefs down their throat but I am just puting what I believe on what I wear. People can read it, agree with it or not. Thats cool with me. But Abortion IS mean. But mothers who get them done are not mean. I know they have their reasons but abortion is not the answer. They have been told it is, but it isn't it will just make their lives painful. And since I love women(I am one duh!) and I love mothers, I wouldn't chose to put them through that. Choose Life.

Yes, I'll Take a Hamburger

Stupid. Friggin. PETA. I like meat. Let me eat it in peace.

The PETA promotes their cause with naked women. The PETA made SEGA pull an ad from the air because it featured chimpanzees. Why? These ones were trained chimpanzees. TRAINED CHIMPANZEES. What else do they use to promote their cause? Dead animals. Don't question how they got it. Just obey.

Pants!

It's true! They are!

Text Messaging

Text messaging has become .... kind of an addiction. Now what I mean by "addiction" is that I cant stop text messaging a person or keep sending messages to someone who doesn't text much or even respond. Now I know this seems weird but I feel like when I send any text messages to anyone they are more of a burden than a blessing. Now I know that before I even had a cellphone I didn't think like this, but now that I do a new world has opened up for me. But text messaging isn't all bad ... I've gotten to know more people through it. Any way in closing .... Bacon?

Slow Saturdayz (Thursdays, Don't Get Mad)

Today was uber slow. Uber uber slow. I drove the highway. Its not as exciting as it sounds. Kind of tedius although I heart cruise control. Then I had to gym it up for my aerobics class. I got to eat at Chili's with my dad but then that made me sleepy. Then something awesome happened. I bought this 5 hour energy shot. And it worked. Oh baby it worked. I am gonna have to start buying these puppies in bulk. I got my room clean and now I get to work on math. Sunday is going to be awesome. I can tell you that right now. Monday will be blah probably. Tuesday will be...trying.

Talent?

OK so tonight is the talent night (whoopdedingledo) ... and it hit me... you could just get up on stage and tell a random stupid story and that would be considered talent ... too bad ... I'm playing a song instead...

Oh, And Another Thing

I realized that Soda, is kind of like alcohol for me. Its not good to drink alot of it but just enough will make me feel real chill. And with soda, I can drink and drive. And with Soda, I can drink it. Period. And I won't do embrassing thi....Oh wait.

I Saw A Star Land

So tonight I was kind of stressed. I think I have lost like 10 years of my life this semester, just due to stress. Tonight I was coming up the stairs after just having finished Aerobics class. I peered outside and could see the orange lights that guide college students away from the campus. Except tonight these lights seemed to be surrounded by an ethreal glow. It was foggy out. Foggy in a way I have never seen. Usually fog comes in patches but all the way home, I noticed the Fog Invasion Of Fredericksburg. As we passed Courtland Elementary, I was thinking pretty rapidly and deep. Or maybe I was overthinking. As we passed another set of orange fuzzy lights, I was wondering who thought to make these lights orange. Did that man or woman think how beautiful those lights look in the fog? Or was it some last minute change. "Not White, Orange." I fell back into an ocean of thought. I resurfaced when we were just about home. There was a white light in someones backyard. And they have this massive backyard, almost a meadow in itself. But it was so dark and the fog was so strong, that the light seemed to be all alone, and the shadow around it melted into the dark night sky. It was like heaven melted into earth and Vice Versa. And all I felt was Wonder.

Thrilling Thursday #2

Today I walked into college. I got a text from someone who was watching me. I never saw that person. There was a loud man in a gray suit dancing in the hallways. He dropped his keys repeatedly. Later I saw the same man in a circle of other people. None of them had suits. The sign in room 202 sill says "Sign in Please." I glanced through the list of names, then I looked up at the people inside. Half of them were on Facebook. They really knew how to use the F5 key. I wore a fleece zip-up today. It didn't have a hoodie. It had a collar, but that didn't keep me from the rain. The light where Southpoint Parkway meets Courthouse Road sometimes gives both left-turners and right-turners a green. It gives them both a green at the same time. Sometimes.

Philippians 4:19

This is such a great chapter. I have read it every morning for the past three days... And I get something new out of it every day. God is good. =)

19And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus. (NIV)

A belated post

So Dan and I had an awesome random thought the other day. Well an unusual one I guess. We figure with cameras getting so fancy, that one day cameras will have photoshoppers inside them. So when you take a picture, it is automatically edited so that the subject has flame coming out of their nostrils, Yellow glowing eyes and a caption that reads "Rawr"

Philippians 4:4-7

 4Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! 5Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. 6Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. (NIV)

Mondays

Ah... good old Mondays ... full of a fresh renewal (not always fresh) and a sense of beginning ...

Mondays usually start with me waking up at either my humble abode or one of my good friends houses ... After waking it doesn't really take me long to get out the door and to my classes ... I usually wait around for them to start ...
At my first class photography I meet up with two of my friends ... but the teacher usually switches people around or chooses spots for people. So I rarely get to sit by them. During photography I just mess around with photoshop unless I'm learning something I don't know about photoshop, but still I'm messing around with it either way!
And after photography its goodbye to my friends and hello to art class. Art class is kinda boring...
After art I sit and wait around for AardvarkManiac but he is in another class so I usually just hang with Twiggyluvsyou unless she isn't there.After waiting for people to get done with stuff I usually wait around until 6:00pm and leave with AardvarkManiac to go to my bible study ... and thats basically a normal Monday ...

Depression 2

Depression seems like a daily routine to me now .... Only now I'm getting so used to it ... because I've been like this for months ... I don't enjoy it (not that anyone would) I just feel kinda emotionless sometimes and at other times I feel like I should know something is wrong ... but I don't feel like that ... I feel like this is who I am ... and I know thats a lie ... I don't know what to do really .... any ideas?

Keeping Warm in the Winter...not as boring as the title.

So I was talking to my friend the other day. She smokes and I was just chilling with her. (literally it was sooo cold) And because I was curious, I asked her "Why do you smoke in the winter? I mean its really cold out here. And she just replied "Well like in the summer, I don't smoke that much cause its hot you know? But in the winter it like keeps me warm." And like I was just thinking recently about the spirtual meaning of a statement like that. Like we all need something to get us through the cold times, the hard times. For me its Jesus, my God, My Father. She is not too keen on church and all that, and I don't push Jesus on her. I just hope that maybe someday I can show her through my friendship that there is someone better than cigarettes that can make her feel warm in the wintertime. And that's Jesus.

Why I never.

I like my name. Is there something wrong with who I am?

Depression...

Is not a fun thing. Today sucked epically, but I feel so much better now. I still don't know what I'm going to do... But I know that God is here. God listens. God's carrying me. God knows what I'm going through. God freaking knows the number of hairs on my head. God has given me all I have. 

God will take care of me.

I hope this encourages any of you out there that are feeling similarly.

I have a proposition...

So I was looking at our contributors so far. There is me, Twiggluvsyou, and there is AardvarkManiac (Some stranger who loves Aardvarks I guess.) Then there is Dan. Just Dan. No nickname, just his name. I think there should be a stipulation on this blog that "Dan" make up a cool blogger name. Like "Iron-Dan", or "Danny Carlito" , or "Dan-Star". A pseudoynym is almost required for the fabulosity of the thoughts we present. So Dan, choose your pseudoynym or face internet obscurity....

A Public Launch

Here's to hoping that this will be the most AMAZING blog in the world. Cheers!

Okay. I think I am good.

Well today, like Dan, I went to class although somewhat later. And today is the last day school will make me its slave. From now on, school you will be under my thumb and you shall obey me...Please?

Thrilling Thursday #1

Today I walked around college with torn jeans. My left kneecap was cold all day. It's hard to tell these days if a tear is intentional or not. Mine wasn't. Nobody seemed to notice.

This is a fantastic moment in mankind.

This blog will be magnificent. I'll be back later to chronicle amazing feats. BBL!