Our Collective Idea
a new blog (by me) The basic idea of the blog is to have links to different creations I/or others have made. Go ahead and check it out, so far there is only a ring tone that I made but check it out... and post more on My Dear Beast!
More posts! Another blog?
Staying Busy?
So right before the school year started back in late August, I had an entire week off to do whatever I wanted. It was the last week of summer, and the pool where I work canceled lessons for the week, so I litterally had no responsibilities and was looking forward to a week of complete relaxation. Sounds like a good deal right? Not quite. I don't know if you guys have ever felt this way before, but as soon as my schedule freed up, not only did I become unmotivated and lazy, but I also started feeling depressed. DEPRESSED! Who gets depressed at having all the time in the world to do what they please? But that's exactly what happened; by the end of the week I couldn't wait for it to end. It wasn't quit the vacation I had imagined, but why?
A few weeks later I was driving to my second job after just clocking out of my first one. This was by far going to be the busiest week I had seen in a long time: I was working 2 jobs in the morning and evening, doing schoolwork in between, and trying to fit in my other commitments, which included spending time with friends of mine who would soon be moving to the West Coast. So during the drive in between jobs, I could've grumbled about how busy I had become and how I didn't have any free time to do anything. But instead I found myself doing exactly the opposite. I was happy for the first time in over a month! Somehow I had broken the curse, and I realized: to stay happy, I have to stay busy. Not busy to the extent that it becomes unhealthy and I begin to neglect my family or friends and even stop taking care of myself. But busy enough to feel accomplished and challenged and satisfied, things that can be vital to our well-being.
The saying that comes to mind is "Idle hands are the devil's tools." If we're not working toward anything, aren't we missing out? Just something to think about :)
Can I get a woot?
I just really wanted to post here. I miss the kind of community we all had before. Remember those skype chats? Those were the days. Is anyone on here still interested in having that kind of group back together. I know stuff has happened since then and we are all kinda busy but is there any chance we can make this work? I am willing to try. I really like having a group of friends Ic an just talk to about stuff whether its funny or serious. I love bouncing things off everyone who takes part in this blog and who took part in the skype chat. So if you're willing to try and revive "the group" again, lets hear a woot.
A note to Depression: "You Shall not PAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSS!!!"
Most of the time its a pretty crappy realization... Depression having many different forms and ways of entering ones life.
Family...
Friends...
Work...
And the occasional "Just because"...
It can really mess anyone up. So throughout my early life I found depression to be a "common" feeling... Showing that I was happy or angry was a sign of weakness or an unattractive quality in friendship. Making other people laugh was really the only thing I felt that was "right" or "good". Sharing ones weakness or fault felt like a huge mistake, and often this proved to be true. Life felt like a bleak colorless world filled with people who allowed themselves to succumb to their feelings or emotions and I as a person God called to keep his mind clear.
Drugs never seemed appealing to me. I could never see myself doing crack or any sort of medication, and even cold medicine or pain killers seemed like a stupid and weak way to deal with discomfort or pain. Really dealing with pain or sickness was a way to seem strong, tho I felt not to show that I was sick or in pain, but alas limping or coughing is rather ... obvious.
I feel as if I have veered off topic. Anyway... Depression has had a foothold in my life. Allowing me to be held down to bitterness, anger, jealousy, fear, and some others I care not to mention.
Recently I have found a foothold in happiness and joy... and I have to say it feels good... So now for a LOTR reference ...
Depression ... YOU SHALL NOT PASS! Also can you take your stupid friends with you?
new fear
i had the worst dream of my life....I went to sleep at 1:15 1nd woke up at 1:45....in 30 minutes I discovered a new fear. When I was little, I used to have nightmares. Sleeping in my parents bed was not uncommon for me. I was soooo afraid to have nightmares that I would fall asleep EVERY night talking to Jesus. "no bad dreams jesus, no bad dreams jesus, no bad dreams jesus, no bad dreams jesus...." over and over until I was asleep. Then I discovered I could wake myself up from a dream. It was amazing! For years now, I've been waking myself when I had a bad dream.
So when I went to bed tonight, I had this funny feeling in my head. Like this deathly silence trapped in my head. I started having this bad dream so I tried to wake myself up and I would wake up in my dream....but I was still dreaming. I tried desperately over and over again to wake myself up. So more scarry than the actual dream was the fact I couldnt wake up. I remember even praying in my dream and casting the devil over. Cuz I had this feeling that he had this grip and me and was forcing me to live in the dream.
I finally woke up. I have a terrible headache... When I got out of bed, I almost passed out. My eyes were blurry. yeah its wierd I know.
You know what...no
I will not let this blog die. But I admit, I have been lazy. I think of weird and interesting things all the time and I take them for granted so you know what this blog will live. Although this blog will take a slight detour from fredericksburg and move over to DC for a moment. Today I went to DC with some relatives that I love to death. These cousins are like siblings to me and we always manage to have a blast. This time though it was even more awesome since My Aunt Karen from California (Yes Caps are need) came to town so we could celebrate her birthday with her. We hit some of the monuments and had alot of fun but one particular monument stood out to me. And it may be cliche but I do not care. We stopped at the Lincoln memorial and walked inside. There were people eberywhere taking pictures, kids scurrying around and despite the "Quiet Please" sign, it was a dull roar inside the monument. But as I turned to read the Gettysburg Address, it seemed to quiet down. This address really cut me to the core and it s really hard to explain why unless I post some of it on here so here is a bit of it. At least the part that stood out to me.
But, in a larger sense, we can not dedicate -- we can not consecrate -- we can not hallow -- this ground. The brave men, living and dead, who struggled here, have consecrated it, far above our poor power to add or detract. The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here, but it can never forget what they did here. It is for us the living, rather, to be dedicated here to the unfinished work which they who fought here have thus far so nobly advanced. It is rather for us to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before us -- that from these honored dead we take increased devotion to that cause for which they gave the last full measure of devotion -- that we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain -- that this nation, under God, shall have a new birth of freedom -- and that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth.
I really have nothing to add. All I will say is, people like Abe are far and few between these days.
Movies ... Bleh ...
Recently movie making has been ... Hard ... I've had trouble with just about every aspect of movies! ...
Actors, editing, and ideas .... It seems hopeless... Right now I have maybe four unedited movies and its getting on my nerves, mainly because my WiNdOwS (hate it so much) computer keeps closing the movie editing program for no particular reason. And when it comes to my actors they randomly sing or just start talking randomly ...
Ideas ... I have none ... but I'm trying to write scripts and such ... also making a big movie would be fun...
So sometime this month or next... I'm going to buckle down on ideas and stuff! Any beastly ideas?
- Matt //TheBread// Pokorny
So I need to post here
I really do. This is like a really cool idea and I feel bad for letting it like run away into nowhereville. So My life has been alright lately. I am getting the hang of work, school is manegable and I am like chilling with friends almost three days a week. PLUS THIS SAT I AM GOING TO KD!!! (Kings Dominion for the unsavy or just confused :P) Well I don't have much more to say so I guess I will post my april fools pic. I heart it. I look tough. Or like a drug addict. Or lindsay lohan. Or a lindsay lohan wannabe who is addicted to drugs.
Potato?
I realized just a moment ago ... The word potato is a really strange word... If said really fast "potato" sounds like... Potato ... (ok I'm just making this up as I go) also something to think about... Why isn't anyone named "Potato" ... I think I might have my name changed ... To Paul mcveryshort... It will be ironic ...
Pain
So recently my legs and back have been in minor pain ... But since a few days ago I had random pain spurts ... Now I know it might just be from growing pains but I don't know ... If it's not and it gets any worse I will probably have a cane ... Or just take pain meds ... Aside from physical pain ... My thoughts haven been so great ... But i'm trying to relax and focus on the good :D
Not Dead!
I will not allow this to happen! I shall keep this beast alive! I pledge to post one story a week for .... well.... a really long time! LONG LIVE THE BEAST!
Snow does magical things...
Snow can make people feel a variety of feelings. Some hate it because they have to drive through it and the idea of shoveling their own sidewalk chills them to their very bones. Some love it because that means they don't have to go to class, to work, or don't have to do any other number of boring tasks. I love snow for very basic reasons. If the day plays itself well, you will have an incalucalbe amount of fun with friends by sledding, tubing or making a fort (which is how I spent my snow day). Some would say its silly that a 20 year old would get so much joy out of simple powdery white stuff. "Its just precipitation" some might say. I say, its God giving me a gift in the form of a snow castle and some good times with a good friend.
Prayer Works
I just want to give thanks to Jesus! I owe Him so much and I realized today what a jerk I've been to Him lately. I was feeling crappy today...nothing bad happened at all.. actually just the opposite, but I couldnt get rid of the sad, down feeling. So I shot up a prayer and 2 hours later, I felt great! He answers prayer. and today He reminded me of how much he cares even about the little things.
Freedom
So life is great except for one thing.... my parents. I feel very much like they are trying to have control over my life and because they feel like they are loosing control, they are becoming more strict. Right now I'm working 21 hours a week and going to school for 19 hours. Both of these things Im doing for them. They want me to work and I have to go to school. So when I'm not working or at school, I want to do what I love to do: hang out with my friends. But my parents keep complaining that I'm never home and that I never do anything around the house, and that when I am home, I'm not socializing with my family. The stress of home and these things that they keep telling me makes me not want to be here even more. I love work. I'd rather be there than home. I'd rather be at school doing homework than at home. I'm not allowed to go anywhere without telling them every detail about where I'm going and when. I love when class lets out early because I have the time to do something (like go to the store or out to eat) before I'm expected to be home. I got in trouble for going to Kohl's after work one day without letting my mom know...and I was still home before the time they expected me home. In 7 months, I would have been going away to college (if I had not decided to stay at Germanna). That means I would not be living at home. I would have the freedom to go anywhere, anytime, spend my money on what I want, and decide my own bed time. I'm not even close to having those freedoms right now. I'm sitting here thinking...maybe I do want to go away to college in the fall. but the reason I'd want to go away is the same reason I want to stay. MY FRIENDS. If I go away I'd have the freedom but no one to spend it with. There are a few things that I really want to do aside from those little things. 3 trips. I dont think my parents will let me go on any of them because they are overnight and without known adults. I feel like saying "COME ON, mom and dad!! you'd know no one at college if I went away! Thats my thoughts lately... oh and I'm 18.
Prayer ... and other things
Just in case anyone reads this blog anymore.... I could really use some prayer .... my life feels real bad so ... yeah
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