Logout

Recently I've been pretty down ... so I've decided to do something about that ... now I've tried a lot of stuff ... even prayer. Perhaps this is a test, but anyway I've decided to "logout" of just about everything... facebook, texting, calls, skype, but to be truthful I'll still get on skype and text ... just not as much... and I'll still read and post on this blog mind you. Although the only time I think I will text is if anyone calls or trys to get in contact with me... not sure how this will help how I've felt ... meh

Change

so...this is my first post guys!!! yeah!! 

     So much has changed in my life since last year. In some ways, I like change. I look back and think "wow! that was me???!!!" I feel like I've developed great friendships this year. I feel like I know every person in the youth group WAY better than before. There's been struggles in the change though. Quite a few big things happened between my parents and I.  I'm learning the boundaries and freedoms of getting older. I'm learning to "pick my battles" (as my dad says).  For example, is it really worth a big argument just to go see some movie that they dont want me to see?  Keeping my parents informed about my life is a plus. When they know about my life and the stuff I do, they tend to give me more freedoms than when I try to hide stuff. haha dont get me wrong...we still have our arguments (frequently), I'm just discovering things I never really thought about before. It sometimes helps to step back and look at things from their perspective.  

     but in some ways, change is scary. Some days I wish I could go back to being 5 years old with no cares in the world. and then college, choosing a career, moving out, having to pay for stuff, manage finances, being even more responsible for everything...AH! talk about frightening! a BIG thing for me is choosing a major. I feel like, in that choice, I'm deciding what I will do for the rest of my life. I know what I love to do, but that will not bring the income that I need/want. I have some vague ideas of some other things I could do, but I'm afraid that I wont be able to handle it or I wont like it. ... 

but you know, i put it all in the hands of my Creator. I know He has amazing plans for me and I'm excited about what He's got for me.

"For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper not to harm you, plans to give you a future and a hope."

....so yeah. my thoughts on change.

Clouds.

So I was coming back home today. My mom was driving us back after I managed to get my license back. I had lost it last friday. I had been stressing about it alot because it had my money and stuff in it. Meaning my christmas shopping would be seriously hindered. And I woud have to renew my license. But I got it. There are sometimes that I love Germanna. So I am laying in the car, watching the sky as we head home. And there were clouds. And it wasn't like just a few. There was like a blanket of clouds, moving sloyl across the sky. It just...relaxed me. So I think God must have sent them. Because they chilled me out alot. And I needed that.

It Feels So...

It feels so different to me
So basic
So different
So old
So slow
So narrow
So quiet...
But, the same time ...
It feels so normal to me
So complex
So normal
So young
So fast
So wide
So loud...
And then ... There are things that make it bad..
So hurtful ...
So horrible...
So dead...
So wounded...
So crushed...
So deaf...
... Life simple ... Death simple ...

Emotional Bottling Up = Heart Pain

Ok I have come to a conclusion ... my recent heart trouble has nothing to do with unhealthy heart problems ... but my emotions being bottled up and causing damage on the inside... seems keeping all my pain inside can cause damage ...

Life Anew

But what is this!
There is something amiss!
From the lungs of this beast,
A single breath is released.

And once more,
Our spirits soar.
For the beast we pronounced dead,
Is alive once more.

My Dear Beast

As Coroner, I must aver,
I've thoroughly examined her.
And she's not only merely dead,
She's really most sincerely dead.

Heartless

Well ... Im not even sure if I should share this until I know for sure what is going on ... I guess I should start with a story ...
My grandfather died from a heart attack at a somewhat young age ... Around 50 I do believe ... Now what that has to do with is me ... Within the past few weeks/months ... I have had heart pains ... Now you may think "oh well everyone gets heart throbs here and there" ... But I had heart pains almost everyday ... So as anyone would I went to the doctors office and had a physical ... During the physical the doctor told me "if your heart hurts for more than 5 minutes you need to let me know" so for the next week I made sure I kept track of how long the pain lasted ... After about 3 days it just stopped hurting ... And then one sunday during youth it hurt .. Not bad but it was constant ... So I made another appointment ... During the appointment I felt ... Worried ... I had tests run and nothing really showed up from it although he noticed something odd about the rhythm of my heartbeat ... He also told me that coffee could cause that but not for over 5 min. Then they took blood and I was done ... No answered questioned ... Though I am suppose to go to some sort of heart health center ... For more tests...

Now I don't want you people to worry or be fearful ... I don't want you to be ... I want you to pray and be faithful ... All the days I have are numbered by God not by man ... If im to go today or in 90 years it makes no difference to me...

Nightmares

Nightmare: night·mare [nahyt-mair]
–noun
1.a terrifying dream in which the dreamer experiences feelings of helplessness, extreme anxiety, sorrow, etc.
2.a condition, thought, or experience suggestive of a nightmare: the nightmare of his years in prison.
3.(formerly) a monster or evil spirit believed to oppress persons during sleep.

Recently I've been having nightmares ... oddly enough they don't scare me ... but they do bother me... mainly all of these dreams are about people dying or something equally as horrible ... although these dreams are teaching me lessons ... some like don't eat pizza 10 minutes before you sleep ... although death has been on my mind ...
Death doth not scare thee ...

Syphon of Insanity

Hello, my fellow beasts,

I wanted to alert you to a new blog I have started with a friend of mine. It is called the Syphon of Insanity. There isn't really a point for it... But since when have I ever needed a point? =)

Head on over and check it out at syphonofinsanity.blogspot.com and support us by taking the poll! Thanks!

~Colton

Loyalty and a Few Laughs

The other day I was talking to an old friend I had fallen out of touch with. She's the kind of person that will have her head in the clouds one minute, only to come crashing down in a tailspin of emotion over the smallest thing. She was extremely emotionally unstable, and her life had no foundation at all. She was not a good person to grow close to and confide in. So I silently cut the cord to our friendship.

But it wasn't all bad. We had some really good times together. When she was in a good mood, she was a fun person to be around and a good friend to talk to.

It's funny how willing we are sometimes to overlook all the bad in a friendship for just a few moments of laughter with that person. I came out of that friendship pretty badly burned, but talking to her for even a few minutes the other day still put me in a good mood. I automatically looked past all the bad and chose to remember the few good times.

I won't be trying to breathe life into the friendship again; she's still crazy and still unstable. But while talking to her, I saw something in the way humans are built that I've never paid much attention to before: the amount of loyalty we feel and the amount of tolerance we allow ourselves to feel for a friend we've shared a few laughs with.

Classes + Possible Job + Acting = Sucks

Well now that I have my license I'm gonna need a job ... but I also have classes I need to take ... Plus I'm gonna be joining an acting group called CYT .
Now all this stuff seems like it will be fun ... but I feel somewhat overwhelmed .. I might have to drop some of the stuff I like to do like art or filming or even Halo 3 ... (please let it not be halo 3)...
But to be honest these activities will be fun ... and give me skills for life ... too bad it could be all for not

Up and down... At the same time?

I'm tired, but I'm wide awake.

I'm frustrated, but I'm completely content.

I'm annoyed, but I'm entirely in a good mood.

I'm angry, but I'm actually quite happy.

It's funny how we can feel two very different emotions at the same time. Humans are strange, huh?