Prayer Works

I just want to give thanks to Jesus! I owe Him so much and I realized today what a jerk I've been to Him lately. I was feeling crappy today...nothing bad happened at all.. actually just the opposite, but I couldnt get rid of the sad, down feeling. So I shot up a prayer and 2 hours later, I felt great! He answers prayer. and today He reminded me of how much he cares even about the little things.

Freedom

So life is great except for one thing.... my parents.  I feel very much like they are trying to have control over my life and because they feel like they are loosing control, they are becoming more strict.  Right now I'm working 21 hours a week and going to school for 19 hours. Both of these things Im doing for them. They want me to work and I have to go to school. So when I'm not working or at school, I want to do what I love to do: hang out with my friends. But my parents keep complaining that I'm never home and that I never do anything around the house, and that when I am home, I'm not socializing with my family. The stress of home and these things that they keep telling me makes me not want to be here even more. I love work. I'd rather be there than home. I'd rather be at school doing homework than at home. I'm not allowed to go anywhere without telling them every detail about where I'm going and when. I love when class lets out early because I have the time to do something (like go to the store or out to eat) before I'm expected to be home. I got in trouble for going to Kohl's after work one day without letting my mom know...and I was still home before the time they expected me home. In 7 months, I would have been going away to college (if I had not decided to stay at Germanna). That means I would not be living at home. I would have the freedom to go anywhere, anytime, spend my money on what I want, and decide my own bed time. I'm not even close to having those freedoms right now. I'm sitting here thinking...maybe I do want to go away to college in the fall. but the reason I'd want to go away is the same reason I want to stay. MY FRIENDS. If I go away I'd have the freedom but no one to spend it with.  There are a few things that I really want to do aside from those little things. 3 trips. I dont think my parents will let me go on any of them because they are overnight and without known adults. I feel like saying "COME ON, mom and dad!! you'd know no one at college if I went away! Thats my thoughts lately... oh and I'm 18. 

Prayer ... and other things

Just in case anyone reads this blog anymore.... I could really use some prayer .... my life feels real bad so ... yeah

Logout

Recently I've been pretty down ... so I've decided to do something about that ... now I've tried a lot of stuff ... even prayer. Perhaps this is a test, but anyway I've decided to "logout" of just about everything... facebook, texting, calls, skype, but to be truthful I'll still get on skype and text ... just not as much... and I'll still read and post on this blog mind you. Although the only time I think I will text is if anyone calls or trys to get in contact with me... not sure how this will help how I've felt ... meh

Change

so...this is my first post guys!!! yeah!! 

     So much has changed in my life since last year. In some ways, I like change. I look back and think "wow! that was me???!!!" I feel like I've developed great friendships this year. I feel like I know every person in the youth group WAY better than before. There's been struggles in the change though. Quite a few big things happened between my parents and I.  I'm learning the boundaries and freedoms of getting older. I'm learning to "pick my battles" (as my dad says).  For example, is it really worth a big argument just to go see some movie that they dont want me to see?  Keeping my parents informed about my life is a plus. When they know about my life and the stuff I do, they tend to give me more freedoms than when I try to hide stuff. haha dont get me wrong...we still have our arguments (frequently), I'm just discovering things I never really thought about before. It sometimes helps to step back and look at things from their perspective.  

     but in some ways, change is scary. Some days I wish I could go back to being 5 years old with no cares in the world. and then college, choosing a career, moving out, having to pay for stuff, manage finances, being even more responsible for everything...AH! talk about frightening! a BIG thing for me is choosing a major. I feel like, in that choice, I'm deciding what I will do for the rest of my life. I know what I love to do, but that will not bring the income that I need/want. I have some vague ideas of some other things I could do, but I'm afraid that I wont be able to handle it or I wont like it. ... 

but you know, i put it all in the hands of my Creator. I know He has amazing plans for me and I'm excited about what He's got for me.

"For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper not to harm you, plans to give you a future and a hope."

....so yeah. my thoughts on change.

Clouds.

So I was coming back home today. My mom was driving us back after I managed to get my license back. I had lost it last friday. I had been stressing about it alot because it had my money and stuff in it. Meaning my christmas shopping would be seriously hindered. And I woud have to renew my license. But I got it. There are sometimes that I love Germanna. So I am laying in the car, watching the sky as we head home. And there were clouds. And it wasn't like just a few. There was like a blanket of clouds, moving sloyl across the sky. It just...relaxed me. So I think God must have sent them. Because they chilled me out alot. And I needed that.

It Feels So...

It feels so different to me
So basic
So different
So old
So slow
So narrow
So quiet...
But, the same time ...
It feels so normal to me
So complex
So normal
So young
So fast
So wide
So loud...
And then ... There are things that make it bad..
So hurtful ...
So horrible...
So dead...
So wounded...
So crushed...
So deaf...
... Life simple ... Death simple ...

Emotional Bottling Up = Heart Pain

Ok I have come to a conclusion ... my recent heart trouble has nothing to do with unhealthy heart problems ... but my emotions being bottled up and causing damage on the inside... seems keeping all my pain inside can cause damage ...

Life Anew

But what is this!
There is something amiss!
From the lungs of this beast,
A single breath is released.

And once more,
Our spirits soar.
For the beast we pronounced dead,
Is alive once more.

My Dear Beast

As Coroner, I must aver,
I've thoroughly examined her.
And she's not only merely dead,
She's really most sincerely dead.